Dear Girls, I’m sorry your boyfriend is a douche bag. Sincerely, Nice Guys

Dear Girls,
I’m sorry that your boyfriend is a douche bag.
I’m sorry that he kept checking out that skank with the cleavage at the party last night. I was there and I thought you were radiant; I could hardly take my eyes off of you.
I’m sorry that your boyfriend gets jealous whenever I text you while [...]

The Ballad of A TV Pitchman: Part I

Billy Mays likes to yell
He begs you just to try his crap
His soul must be an empty shell
You’d buy it if he’d shut his trap
Billy Mays, your voice is loud
You sell the fucking Awesome Aug!!
Of this profession, you can’t be proud
Listen to you? I’ll just eat a frog
Billy Mays you noisy motherfucker
This bedazzler is worthless [...]

The Rubberband Incident, Part II: Julian’s Story

Julian’s Side of the Story
By Julian
My name is Julian not “Julie”, I am a man and Mr. Perry is a couple lifeboats short of a royal navy. Ok here is what really happened.  I was on my way to get my boss, Stephen Perry, out of jail as he had been arrested last month at [...]

Thanksgiving Sarcasm: A Haiku, A Fragment

I give much thanks for
The brutal treatment of the
Indian peoples

Edward Cullen is a Pedophile: The Twilight of American Literature

What is wrong with our society when our youth will use cliff notes for “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” but not a single one of them can resist reading a book about a vampire who falls in love with a teenager. Wow. Was Buffy really that long ago?
They are calling this the new Harry Potter. [...]

Penguins

A poem
 
Penguins are usually black and white
They often live at the South Pole
There are few who know their plight
But, of misery, their life is full
~*~*~
Penguins do not walk but waddle
They have wings but cannot fly
They never see a ship in a bottle
Global warming will make them die
~*~*~
Polar bears have got it sweet
They have lots of [...]