Dear Girls, I’m sorry your boyfriend is a douche bag. Sincerely, Nice Guys

Dear Girls,
I’m sorry that your boyfriend is a douche bag.
I’m sorry that he kept checking out that skank with the cleavage at the party last night. I was there and I thought you were radiant; I could hardly take my eyes off of you.
I’m sorry that your boyfriend gets jealous whenever I text you while [...]

Glenn Beck belongs in Arkham Asylum.

“God stalked me!…He had a giant baptismal rifle. I thwarted him. I led people astray as much as I could, but he kept putting Mormons in my way.”
These are not the words of a man who has it all together up top. These are the words of a deranged media whore, a egotistical, desperate man [...]

The Ballad of A TV Pitchman: Part I

Billy Mays likes to yell
He begs you just to try his crap
His soul must be an empty shell
You’d buy it if he’d shut his trap
Billy Mays, your voice is loud
You sell the fucking Awesome Aug!!
Of this profession, you can’t be proud
Listen to you? I’ll just eat a frog
Billy Mays you noisy motherfucker
This bedazzler is worthless [...]

BREAKING NEWS: Bengal accuses Sea World of seeking WMDs

New York – NATO President George W. Bengal announced in his annual address that the TIA had discovered evidence that Sea World CEO James K. Flipper had sought yellow cake uranium and is still actively researching the technology used to spawn whales of mass destruction.
There has been no official response from either Mr. Flipper or [...]

BREAKING NEWS: Dolphin attack in Lisbon.

Paris – A terrorist sleeper cell based in Spain detonated a car bomb outside the Tiger Complex of The Lisbon Zoo. The blast occurred earlier today around noon and authorities are still sorting through the aftermath but estimates put the death toll at around 70 civilian tigers and 12 NATO soldiers.
Many Dolphin terrorist organizations have [...]

Tigers, Dolphins go to War.

Paris – Tiger leaders met today in an emergency council of the North African Tiger Alliance. The longstanding feud between NATO and the United Confederacy of Dolphin Nations, which has been at full boil in the aftermath of the Attacks on the NATO headquarters in Geneva.
The meeting was called by the prominent Tiger-American diplomat, Ret. [...]

Ed Cullen: My Poem of Dissent

Edward cullen is a pedophile
A vampire blessed with dashing
Good looks, quite a bit of guile
And a fang-toothed grin for the flashing
 
He may look innocent although I admit
He is rather gaunt and might have scurvy
But over this, don’t throw a fit
He’s actually rather pervy
 
His age advanced, of this, no lie,
He voted Hoover for President!
He shall [...]

Chuck Norris: A Haiku

To live, or to die,
The choice belongs to walker,
The Texas Ranger.

A poem about Love, Loss and Redemption.

I once loved dearly a sheep,
now some might think me a creep,
but of joy, my heart was full,
when ‘ere I stroked her wool.
But tragedy soon did strike,
for she found a new shepard to like.
My spirits were lifted quite swiftly
when I met a goat.

The Rubberband Incident, Part II: Julian’s Story

Julian’s Side of the Story
By Julian
My name is Julian not “Julie”, I am a man and Mr. Perry is a couple lifeboats short of a royal navy. Ok here is what really happened.  I was on my way to get my boss, Stephen Perry, out of jail as he had been arrested last month at [...]