STEPHEN PERRY
BY STEPHEN PERRY
Wherein My inconceivable, unparalleled and imperceptible jenius performs yet another act of super-human brilliance!!
So there I was, I had just read this new poem about a bird by a poet named Edgar Allen something that was in the Jan. 29 New York Evening Mirror. And now I was just lounging around in all My glory, telling about My various escapades in South America whereupon I was crowned king of the Wasabutu tribe and saw My very first rubber tree when all of a sudden I had an epiphany! All this time with messers, Perry and Co, Rubber Co Manuf London we had been selling vulcanized rubber but we hadn’t yet made something that every needs. We need something everyone needs. I sat back to thoughtfully ponder what could everyone possibly need.
After a period of extreme insight on My part, some insolent fool came walking past me without noticing. That kind of disrespect was not to be tolerated so I tripped him and the papers he was carrying went flying everywhere. At first I chuckled at the comicality of his situation then I had another epiphany (Authors note: please do not be alarmed for My safety, I have epiphanies quite regularly, no excessive worry necessary). I thought should cut the vulcanized rubber into loops of varying thickness and circumference and they could used to hold papers that had been rolled into the shape of a tube. It was so fantastically clever and inspired that it came as no surprise to Me that I had thought of it.
I called my bumbling assistant, Julie over to witness to my awe-inspiring discovery. Julie is quite dense but can be very much…harmless, at times. As Julie comes toddling over I am reminded of My time in the late 1830’s when I was a philanthropist for those of abnormal mental capacity. I rush to My laboratory to begin my work.
“wat ar whee gonna mak?” asked Julie.
“Julie, you ignorant slut, we are going to make history,” I replied very inspirationally.
We retreated to My basement work room where a number of My most inspired creations and ideas come to fruition, unlike the so called “great master” Da Vinci (talk about an armchair polymath). I begin to work but progress is slow, this is decidedly not a “non-detrimental” phase for Julie. This is why I keep eight or nine spare copy’s of anything breakable, It would be a tragedy on par with us losing to the filthy Americans in a third war if someone with My exceptional talents were kept from greatness by an ungainly dim-wit such as Julie is.
As I begin experimenting with the rubber and began the vulcanizing process invented by Charles Goodyear (although truth be told I gave him and abundance of hints and clues) it became increasingly hard to get the right amounts of lead and sulphur into the rubber mixture with my intellectually inferior assistant Julie spilling chemicals all over.
But finally against all obstacles in My way I prevailed and rose from My work table with the world very first rubber band, My brain child, I placed one end on My forefinger and pulled back on the other end. It went flying across the room and struck Julie square on the neck. I now felt what god must have felt like when he created something as amazing as I am.
