Part 1: “Izzy von Kessler, Pothead of the Potomac”
Chapter 1
Izzy.
“Congressman,” said the intern, “congressman, it’s time to wake up.”
“What the fuck! What time is it?” asked the congressman sleepily.
“Its 4:16, sir,” said the intern, “you must have passed out after the people dropped you, sir.”
“They dropped me,” he replied quizzically.
“Yes you were crowd-surfing and you must have found your way to the more inebriated section of the crowd and they seem to have had trouble coordinating their efforts,” said the intern.
“What day is it?” asked the congressman.
“November the 4th, sir, it’s a Wednesday,” said the intern.
“I won, right?” asked the congressman.
“Yes sir, you won 71% of the vote,” stated the intern.
“Fuck yeah, let’s go make a speech,” said the congressman as he smiled his trademark smile.
“Sir,” said the intern nervously, “I think you already made you victory speech.”
The congressman marched out the doors of Dogtown Vintage Guitars, his makeshift campaign headquarters, and outside into the flurry of his drunken and hazy supporters who immediately screamed “Izzy” as he paraded through the street.
They lifted him up on their shoulders and carried him over to a car hood and he began to give his victory speech.
“Our founding fathers,” he started, “they had a dream, and they had a purpose. And that purpose was, in simple terms, it was to fuckin’ stick it to the man. They were oppressed by the man and they were fuckin’ tired of it so they got up with one voice as one people and they gave the man the finger and said ‘fuck you man’.” The crowd went wild.
“Nearly 250 years later their dream has been perverted in the most disgraceful way by fuckin’ bureaucrats and self-serving traitors,” shouted Izzy, “This current congress in the most treasonous group of fucked up amoral turncoats ever to grace the halls of our fuckin’ capital. And as your duly-elected congressman I make a promise to you today to do all that is in my power to ensure that they accomplish as little as fuckin’ possible,” the crowd erupted into feverish applause.
Izzy made his way down of the hood of the car as his supporters chanted “Fuck you man!” and found himself face to face with the intern.
“Sir,” said the intern, “we have a meeting with some applicants for the position of chief of staff, Turtle was deported in a drug sting at the-“
“What’s your name?” asked Izzy.
“Billy, sir, Billy Humperdink,” he said abashedly.
“Any relation to Englebert Humperdink?” he asked quite amused.
“None at all,” said Billy.
“How would you like to be my chief of staff?” asked Izzy.
“I’d be honored sir but I hardly think I’m qualified,” said Billy.
Izzy laughs, “We work in washington, kid, nobody is qualified. Let’s go see Katie Rae.”
Chapter 2
Katie Rae.
“Ladies and gentlemen, may I please present, former three-time miss Georgia and 2007 Miss America, star of “American Princess” and “Trick or Death”, and this year’s 2nd runner up for American Idol, your duly elected congresswoman, Miss Katie Rae Nelson!” shouted an over enthusiastic announcer with a stereotypically-gay lisp.
Katie Rae came running out on stage in an outfit that a Victoria’s Secret mannequin would be ashamed to wear and began into a striptease set to the tune of the Luvr Boyz newest single “Lovin’ You With My Thing-Thing” which was what unfortunately passed for music in this day and age.
Katie Rae was soon joined by the Luvr Boyz and the crowd, which consisted entirely of young citizens and citizenettes proudly wearing their “I Voted” stickers.
Izzy and his new chief of staff Billy were watching from backstage.
“It’s a beautiful thing, isn’t it Billy,” said Izzy, his voice heavy with nostalgia.
“Pardon?” asked Billy.
“Don’t you see kid, this is democracy in action, all these voters screaming and enthused about their candidate, their voices, it’s fuckin’ melodious,” he said airily.
“Looks more felonious, there’s no way all these kids are over 21 and they’ve got a beer hose,” replied Billy.
“What a fuckin’ Debbie downer, look on the bright side of life, be happy,”
“Yes, sir,” and Izzy stood there for a while with a blank expression and a dopey grin that worried Billy.
“Sir, are you all right, do you need some water?” he asked.
“I’m fine, I was just thinking, it’s beautiful, isn’t it,” he said in a manner shockingly similar to his previous identical statement.
“I believe we’ve already had this conversation, sir,” replied Billy.
“No, I was talking about Katie Rae’s fuckin’ heavenly tight ass,” and he went back to his gleefully empty staring.
Billy swallowed nervously and shuffled the things in his hands, declining to respond to the congressman.
Katie Rae had finished singing and ran off the stage to greet Izzy.
“Izzy!” she shouted as she began making out with him violently while unbuttoning his pants.
“Katie, Katie, baby, please,” he said, blocking her advances, “you’re a congresswoman now; you’ve got to act like it.”
“Right, so like uh, do I hafta live in Washington cause mountains are like totally bad for my aura,” she said as she twirled her hair and scrunched her nose very revoltingly.
“Washington D.C. is by Maryland,” he said gently, as if, or because, he was talking to a child, “that’s on the east coast.”
“Oh, like New York?” she asked.
“Yes like New York,” he replied.
Katie Rae walked over to the table and ate a couple chips, then began to walk towards her dressing room.
“Hey Katie, you want to go get some dinner, you know to celebrate the victory,” asked Izzy.
“I just ate dinner, can’t you tell I need to watch my weight,” she said condescendingly, “I’m going to go throw up.”
“Mr. Congressman,” said Billy, “your secretary faxed me your schedule, you have a committee meeting at 11 and then you are meeting with Senator Franken.”
“screw the committee, I have a fundraising event,” said Izzy to Billy.
(I welcome comments, criticisms, and suggestions, this is a work in progress)
2 Comments
Nov 23, 08 at 12:50 pm
I’ve found your story so far to be interesting and funny. There’s just one thing, a technique you use, that slows me down as I read and you may think of paring down a s bit namely identifying who said what after every sentence. Now this may be unavoidable in a narrative involving a group of people but when there’s only 2 it slows the pace of the narrative. Below (using your narrative) if I may I’ll try to point out what I’m saying
“Congressman,” said the intern, “congressman, it’s time to wake up.”
“What the fuck! What time is it?” asked the congressman sleepily.
“Its 4:16, sir,” said the intern, “you must have passed out after the people dropped you, sir.”
“They dropped me,” he replied quizzically.
“Yes you were crowd-surfing and you must have found your way to the more inebriated section of the crowd and they seem to have had trouble coordinating their efforts,” said the intern.
Below you’ll find my suggestion how to simply create a better flow to the narrative(I’m not speaking here as a critic but as a reader)
“Congressman,” said the intern, “congressman, it’s time to wake up.”
“What the fuck! What time is it?” asked the congressman sleepily.
“Its 4:16, sir, you must have passed out after the people dropped you.
“They dropped me?”
“Yes you were crowd-surfing and you must have found your way to the more inebriated section of the crowd and they seem to have had trouble coordinating their efforts,” said the intern.(maybe adding here”as she scrambled to around the room sccoping up his wallet, cellphone and other assorted personal effects scattered about the room’s floor)
Again, I write this as one who enjoys a good read and not a critic.
Good luck
Nov 23, 08 at 12:58 pm
“Sorry, was distracted by my daughter overturning a carton of milk and neglected to proof read what I wrote before sending it” writes medic1413 as he sits dumbfounded after realizing all the grammatical errors he made in his last comment:)