This blog has moved!!!

http://thetheblog.wordpress.com/

same blog, more cooler URL.

Dear Girls, I’m sorry your boyfriend is a douche bag. Sincerely, Nice Guys

Dear Girls,

I’m sorry that your boyfriend is a douche bag.

I’m sorry that he kept checking out that skank with the cleavage at the party last night. I was there and I thought you were radiant; I could hardly take my eyes off of you.

I’m sorry that your boyfriend gets jealous whenever I text you while the two of you are hanging out. (not really).

I’m sorry that he blew off plans with you this weekend so he can go out drinking with his friends. Speaking of which, now that you are free on Saturday…

I’m sorry that your boyfriend won’t stop smoking no matter how hard you try. Smoking is one of the few things that, even if you wanted me to, I would still refuse to do.

I’m sorry your boyfriend thinks that you’re smothering him. I would call in sick at work to hang out with you even if I’m broke.

I’m sorry that your boyfriend got drunk and made out with another girl. If you’re planning to get drunk and make out with another guy so you can get back at him, you best try someone else because I’m (unfortunately) too much of a gentleman to take advantage of you.

I’m sorry that your boyfriend lets his best friend make rude comments about you. If I wasn’t such a timid person and a great physical coward, I would confront him and tell him to stop.

I’m sorry that your boyfriend won’t try to get your parents to like him. Maybe if he wasn’t an unreliable, untrustworthy, worthless pile with no job and no future. By the way, I saw your mom at the grocery store; we stopped to chat for a few minutes.

I’m sorry that your boyfriend refuses to apply himself in school. Sure I can talk, no I’m not busy, I was just reading. For fun.

I’m sorry that your boyfriend forgot to pick you up after work and your cell phone battery was dead and you had to ride home with your creepy pedophile assistant manager. You could have called me…

I’m sorry that your boyfriend lied to you and said he loved you and then cheated on you and left you. Maybe next time you should have him show his feelings for you through his actions toward you. Like I do.

I’m sorry that your boyfriend won’t talk to you when you try to start a conversation with him. Maybe you should- wait, where are you going?…. okay, bye, ttyl.

I’m sorry that your boyfriend is acting distant and doesn’t want to talk about his feelings. I’m sorry I’m too timid to tell you about my feelings too.

I’m sorry that your boyfriend gets mad at you over little things that aren’t important. You know how you get all pissy when he is being a douche bag and take it out on me even though I’m trying to make you feel better? I forgive you.

I’m sorry your boyfriend is a douche bag. Maybe he isn’t really a douche bag and doesn’t know that the things he does make you angry. Maybe instead of complaining to me all the time you should talk to him and give him the chance to change his actions so that you will be happy with your relationship, because I want you to be happy, even if that means I wont be.

I’m sorry that your boyfriend is a douche bag. I’m not a douche bag…

Sincerely,

Nice Guys

Glenn Beck belongs in Arkham Asylum.

“God stalked me!…He had a giant baptismal rifle. I thwarted him. I led people astray as much as I could, but he kept putting Mormons in my way.”

These are not the words of a man who has it all together up top. These are the words of a deranged media whore, a egotistical, desperate man who needs to feel important and powerful for badly that he has created so many personal delusions that in his eyes, he is a Messiah for the modern age. His recent “populist” movement intent on “taking back the government” is a fucking crazy fuck idea. It is a denial of reality that boggles the mind.

If you go to his holy crusade’s website (and I encourage you to do so, for entertainment purposes of course) is a collection of almost half a million of the craziest fucking people in the nation. It really surprises me that mental hospitals allow these people Internet access.

The dumbest thing about this whole mass delusion is the claim that he is going to take the country back from “them” that Beck’s cult supposedly “surrounds”. Who are “them”? Is it Barack Obama? I don’t know about Beck’s cult surrounding him, but i know for a fact that the Secret Service does so good luck with that. Are the liberal heathens “them”? If so, then Beck and is whole fucking crazy ass cult needs to go back to first grade and learn how to count because when a majority of this country gets together and voices a common opinion, it is not an invitation to free America from the bonds of their tyrannical oppressors. The fringes of the minority cannot surround the majority. It is very literally impossible. These facts make Glenn’s noble quest nothing more that a demented and pathetic attempt to overthrow the most powerful government in the world by tilting at windmills and throwing “Tea Party’s”.

The Boston Tea Party was a protest against the British government levying taxes without allowing the colonist parlimentary representation. Their motto was “no taxation without representation” and their efforts were brave and bold and inspiring. Today almost every single american citizen (with the exception of children and criminals) has the right to vote and the priciple a majority rule is a sacred promise that is rarely broken (i.e. 2000). Glenn’s cult is not a group of noble patriots, it is an organized collection of sore losers. They have representation but they also have taxation and that makes them upset. Their motto should be “No Taxation Or We’ll Throw a Hissyfit”.

These people are dangerous only for how stupid they are and how delusional their cult leader is. This man is Jonestown Material.

Also: I found a couple of his 9 principles more than a little ironic.

3. I must always try to be a more honest person than I was yesterday. (unless I’m a republican president talking to the media or an employee of NewsCorp.)

5. If you break the law you pay the penalty. Justice is blind and no one is above it. (Unless my parents are rich/politically-connected/white)

6. I have a right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness, but there is no guarantee of equal results. (This is surprisingly honest, although understated)

8. It is not un-American for me to disagree with authority or to share my personal opinion. (Unless Glenn Beck agrees with authority, then you are a terrorist)

The Ballad of A TV Pitchman: Part I

Billy Mays likes to yell
He begs you just to try his crap
His soul must be an empty shell
You’d buy it if he’d shut his trap

Billy Mays, your voice is loud
You sell the fucking Awesome Aug!!
Of this profession, you can’t be proud
Listen to you? I’ll just eat a frog

Billy Mays you noisy motherfucker
This bedazzler is worthless trash
Your customer is a gullible sucker
Your vocal cords, I’d like to slash

You want me to buy easy-off bam?
Well fuck you, you screaming cunt
I want to throw you under a tram,
Your bearded face, I’d like punt.

BREAKING NEWS: Bengal accuses Sea World of seeking WMDs

New York – NATO President George W. Bengal announced in his annual address that the TIA had discovered evidence that Sea World CEO James K. Flipper had sought yellow cake uranium and is still actively researching the technology used to spawn whales of mass destruction.

There has been no official response from either Mr. Flipper or any other Sea World representative but El-Porpoise, the Dolphin News Network has not yet mentioned the accusations. However the Al-Dolpha terror group has released a new video promising even more casualties in the attacks to come.

Gen. Growell, former Foreign Minster to Pres. Bengal, has been slated to address the United Nations at their headquarters in New York later this week. Baron Tigre has voiced doubt regarding the validity of this evidence but popular tiger opinion remains strongly supportive of the war effort.

My “Feedback” for Facebook.

Okay, I know you folks were probably expecting to get a lot of flack for changing the format and I’m sure this is probably just adding to the white noise that is the result of people’s reluctance to change their ways but I really feel that I must say something.

This new Facebook is okay. I prefer the old home page because it allowed me to view all the status in a single feed and it wasn’t as large so I could take in more on a single page. This new home page is extremely cluttered and the status updates, wall posts and other activities tend to blend together and it causes confusion. This however, is not that big of a deal. I’m willing to live with it because frankly, it’s Facebook, what else am I going to do?

My problem lies in the area of customization. On the old home page I had a series of levers that I could raise and lower in order to change the frequency that certain types of content would appear on my feed. If I wanted to see posts about Notes that my friends wrote more often than I wanted to see posts about what my friends wrote on each others wall, I could adjust the levers and the home page would act accordingly.

Also, I was able to sort my friends into three categories. The friends that I didn’t really care about, I could add them to the list of friends I wanted to see less of and the friends I did care about could be added to the list of friends I wanted to see more of. Those that I had no strong feelings about were added to neither list. This way I didn’t have to see a conversation between two people that I barely know that occurred on their own walls. I don’t really care what they have to say to each other and you don’t need to show me.

This new home page is far less user friendly. If I want to see all the status updates in chronological order, I have to select the “See hidden posts” and then sort through all the wall posts and uploaded links and photo comments etc. until I find what I am looking for. This is tedious and unreasonably difficult (compared to the old home page). Also, if I saw a bunch of posts about some person I barely knew, I used to be able to hover over the posts and see a drop down list that let me choose whether I wanted to see more or less of this friend and more or less of that type of story. Now? I get “Hide Friend”. That’s all you’re going to let me work with?

In short, I think that although this new home page does have some redeeming values, the unyielding nature of my news feed and the utter lack of customization options leaves me, a true addict, more than a little under whelmed.

Given that no one with any authority will ever read this:

Go suck monkey balls.

Your friend,
The Casey

BREAKING NEWS: Dolphin attack in Lisbon.

Paris – A terrorist sleeper cell based in Spain detonated a car bomb outside the Tiger Complex of The Lisbon Zoo. The blast occurred earlier today around noon and authorities are still sorting through the aftermath but estimates put the death toll at around 70 civilian tigers and 12 NATO soldiers.

Many Dolphin terrorist organizations have claimed responsibility but sources close to Gen. Pounzer, Head of NATO Intelligence, report that a sleeper cell in southern Spain that had been linked to the Al-Dolpha terror group recently disappeared from under NATO surveillance.

The infamous terrorist leader of Al-Dolpha, Raj “Bottlenose” El-Amin has released several videos threatening violence against NATO installations and the recent crash of NSS Siberia has now been blamed on El-Amin’s organization.

Gen. Growell who was appointed supreme allied commander of the NATO forces earlier this week spoke out against the attack at a press conference in Geneva. “Our prayers are with the families of the vitims of this tragedy and I solemnly promise that these souls will not be lost in vain. These attacks will not go unpunished.”

Tigers, Dolphins go to War.

Paris – Tiger leaders met today in an emergency council of the North African Tiger Alliance. The longstanding feud between NATO and the United Confederacy of Dolphin Nations, which has been at full boil in the aftermath of the Attacks on the NATO headquarters in Geneva.

The meeting was called by the prominent Tiger-American diplomat, Ret. Gen. Colin Growell. Gen. Growell, the architect of the Tiger victory in Southern Gulf campaign, is widely expected to announce his candidacy for presidency of NATO in the upcoming 2010 parliamentary elections.

Baron Louis Tigre, the leader of the French delegation to NATO has been Gen. Growell’s major opposition in the debate over a possible Dolphin war and his anti-war supporters were out in full force at the council today and argued valiantly for further economic sanctions against the UCDN.

Growell’s pro-war faction, which has ballooned in size recently, was much greater than Tigre had expected and the war vote fell 2-1 in favor of raising arms against the Dolphin Nations. This is the first full scale war between the Tigers and Dolphins since Growell led NATO to victory in The Great War of 1985-94.

The UCDN is expected to convene a War Tribunal to begin marshalling their forces in the coming weeks. It is anyone’s guess as to when combat operations shall commence.

Ed Cullen: My Poem of Dissent

Edward cullen is a pedophile

A vampire blessed with dashing

Good looks, quite a bit of guile

And a fang-toothed grin for the flashing

 

He may look innocent although I admit

He is rather gaunt and might have scurvy

But over this, don’t throw a fit

He’s actually rather pervy

 

His age advanced, of this, no lie,

He voted Hoover for President!

He shall live on, he’ll never die

He’s fiction like a flying elephant!

 

But I’ll tell you my fear, this is quit serious,

Flocks of tweenagers; they’re quite fanatic

Now answer me this, I am quite curious

Why would you date a geriatric?

 

Sure he’s the looks of a post-pubescent

Teen, but he was brought up in a time

Without xbox, PS3 and ceiling lights, florescent

His first car, the tank full for under a dime

 

This deceptively old man, a modern day

Ponce de Leon, is setting his sights

On a girl a sixth his age, in a creepy way

He sneaks into her room at nights

 

Edward Cullen, you are a predator,

Not bloodsucking, but child and sexual

I fear that that’s not all, there’s more

future crimes, not potential, eventual.

Chuck Norris: A Haiku

To live, or to die,
The choice belongs to walker,
The Texas Ranger.